When I Losing Me

I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes.

It's like a kaleidoscope of memories, it just all comes back.

But he never does..

I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.

It's not really anything he said, or anything he did, it was the feeling that came along with it.

Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should.

I knew he world moved too fast and burned to bright..

but I just thought, 'How can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?'

Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him. It was losing me.

Tentang Pilihan yang Berubah

Saya tahu, kalau nggak ada yang sempurna di dunia ini.. begitu juga dengan pilihan-pilihan hidup yang kita jalani saat ini.. yang harusnya kita lakukan sekarang adalah memilih yang paling baik untuk kita sendiri. bukan untuk orang lain.
saya juga nggak bisa menjamin bahwa semua yang semula saya prediksikan adalah yang paling baik buat saya ternyata sudah tidak demikian dirasakan sekarang.
nggak ada yang salah dengan itu, karena semua itu berubah. Yang tetap cuma 'ketetapan perubahan' itu sendiri.
Happily ever after itu nggak ada.. real love juga nggak ada. Jadi, nggak ada masalah kan jika suatu hari kita berubah menjadi yang bukan diri kita?
saya juga nggak mau disalahkan atas perubahan pemikiran saya, atas perubahan keputusan saya. ini semua terjadi sangat wajar. ketika kita harus pergi ke tempat yang menurut kita jauh lebih baik dari tempat tinggal kita yang sekarang. semua itu nggak akan ada habisnya. akan terus berubah dan berpindah.
dan mungkin dia juga tidak boleh disalahkan dengan semua tingkah buruknya yang nyaris membuat saya menjadi serpihan. Semua itu memang pilihan.
masalahnya adalah, apakah pilihan itu berpotensi untuk menyakiti orang lain?
karenanya.. kita harus jeli dan tepat mengambil keputusan. Karena, keputusan kita hari ini akan menentukan  masa depan kita. lakukan yang terbaik saja Nish..

Ledakan

 

tulisan ini saya ambil dari sini

Tulisan ini mampu menggambarkan bagaimana perasaan saya saat ini. thankyou lala bohang. 

Wake Me Up When November End

Hari ini berlalu begitu saja.. seperti hari-hari sebelumnya.. lewat begitu saja, tanpa permisi. baru saja menyusun kegiatan untuk minggu depan.. tiba-tiba sudah masuk bulan berikutnya.
Tiba-tiba 10 Novenber sudah didepan mata.. sejak bulan Mei saya selalu berdoa agar taggal 10 November 2012 di skip saja.. saya ingin tidur di tanggal 8 dan bangun tanggal 11 saja.
nggak perlu ingat itu hari apa... nggak perlu lihat wajah ibu saya yang bersedih. saya ingin langsung bangun di tanggal 11 November dengan mencium aroma telor goreng buatan ibu. atau dengan sapaan "bangun ndok.. subuh dulu.. abis nanti waktunya". atau bangun pagi-pagi sekali karena ingin jalan ke pasar pagi jalan juanda.. tanpa secuil memori tentang 10 November.
Dan sungguh saya ingin sekali lupa. lupa kalau saya pernah berharap tanggal 10 November ini cepat tiba.. dengan segala segala harapan-harapan bodoh.
saya ingin bisa lupa begitu saja. tanpa perlu jauh-jauh mengungsi dari Jakarta. tanpa perlu berpikir harus 'bisa' memaafkan diri sendiri begitu hebat. saya sungguh kepingin lupa.

pondok aren 28 okt 2012

Someone you Used to Know

 It was helpless anyway, there's nothing much we could do or say…

Darling don't you think it's a shame? That it had to end this way.

So here's to say goodbye… Our love is lost, and we can't figure why

Maybe it really is about time, that we finally made up our minds.

So Darling, here's to you… I hope that when you find someone new

That she would open your mind and make u be a better person

 To love and understand you…

Soon you'll build new memories Then slowly you'd forget about me

Then I would slowly be A distant memory

Soon I'll just be That someone you used to know But darling you will thank me

For letting you go

Time is not for wasting I hope you'll find your intended

But I'm sorry That your intended isn't me...

It's not an easy thing To shake off our history

I know that's what you want from me But they will always stay with me

I admit I made mistakes But darling with you it's just the same

If we stay there will be more to make I don't know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair To stay with something no longer there

It's not that I no longer care I'd feel like a burden you cannot bear

Letters to Aruna Tsurayya

Dear Aruna .. 

I always pray for you.
Maybe we'll see a different future.
In the future, I want to live with you as i should..
Buy you a pair of red shoes
Tying your hair
And we're going to wear the same color dress
If indeed God gives time for us together
I promise I will fight for you all my life

Release

I .. ever fight for anyone until my last drop of dried blood. I struggle
so great .. to sacrifice so much.
I forgot how to make myself happy. All I merely did to fight for him.
Until the last moment we were together, I never gave up.
I never give up at all!
Even when he humbled himself, and make mistakes, I'm still there. Holding his hands and I told him that everything its gonna be fine.
Although he insisted .. and oust him completely. He said he'd Choosing the way.
I know what he means 'the way' is not as what it should be. Fear .. and guilt that always managed to beat him.
In the end 'street' is just simply the liberation of guilt he has done to me.
I always knew he was not strong enough to maintain his dignity. Love .. he says it that makes it releases me. He said, he had no more love for me.
I never blame it.
I'm just disappointed, why he did not try to defend what he had all along.
He allowed himself to lose me. He does not appreciate me.
He killed me. That will NEVER be forgiven.
I've promised never let him go. But I had to stop fight for him, because he was asking me to give up.  That's it.